Eavesdropping on Imaginary Phone Call
A phone rings and I hear the steely voice from the local KGB chapter.
--Listen, Comrade Vladimir. For your service to the motherland we want to present you with a gift. Feel free to ask for anything from the field of modern spyware.
My first thought was of these cool glasses that allow you to see through females dresses. But then I thought, come on, Vladimir, you are too old for that stuff. So after some deliberations, I’ve settled for the next best thing: a phone that allows you to hear the phone conversation of other people.
Once it was delivered to me by Amazon, the first thing I did, was to direct it on Zelensky. Luckily he was calling the State Department. Here is what I managed to transcribe from his rather intense exchange with Blinken.
--Listen, you, bloody Blinkenpoop. I am following all your orders, and still there is no result. You wanted me to address the political elites, I did it with British Parliament and your Senate. You wanted me to address the financial elite, I did it in Davos. You wanted me to talk to intellectual elite, sure enough, I spoke to Stanford graduates. Artistic elites -- Cannes Film Festival. Still these nasty Russians, whom we in Ukraine, no longer consider human beings, keep on pushing us and grabbing more and more of our land.
Blinken: We are aware of certain setbacks, dear Clown, sorry, President. But we are working on it. After you spoke to Stanford, we were promised more censorship of the pro-Russian media on the net. After Cannes, no more Russian films. After Davos, no more business with Russia. We are moving along.
Zelensky: No. It is not good enough. When will you finally listen to me and start the WWIII? Don't you understand that this is the only way to save Ukraine. We are already disappearing from the map. With WWIII, nobody will notice it. Don't you see it?
Blinken: That's rather drastic solution by our standards, we prefer local destruction to the global one. I will need to ask for authorization for this radical action from the Central Medical Committee, the one that keeps Biden functioning. This Committee is run by Fauci who administers the magic drugs, which keep Biden as sharp as Putin. So in the meantime, before I get the permission and then coordinate it with Pentagon, why don't we try some other options.
Zelensky: Like what? Don't you see that I am running out of other options. How many times can I wear the same dirty t-shirt and deliver your sloppily written addresses from this crummy Soviet built bunker. Aren't you aware that my Azov supporters want to destroy this bunker along with all other Soviet artifacts? Aren't you aware that they want to go back to the Stone Age, when we, the Ukrainians, were the quickest, the strongest, and the smartest.
Blinken: Here is a plan suggested by my colleagues from Middle Eastern department. Why can't you find a little town in Ukraine, something called, Navalnovo, or Skrypalikha, or Slaughterninsk, and set up a little chemical explosion there. You maybe use some Soviet built rocket and shoot something. We'll blame it on Russians, and get them so disoriented, that their attacks would stop.
Z.: But that option means that some Ukrainians might die. You can't imagine how upset I get when it happens. In fact, I get so upset that I become incapable of negotiate ceasefire and peace, even when Russians are offering it to me. Why can't we skip this middle-man operation and go to some small tactical nuclear missile that you can deliver to us through Germany and Poland? Didn't Liz Truss and B. Johnson - my true friends in the west -- told you that that was the only way?
Blinken: I am surprised that these two are offering something to you behind my back. Will have to talk to them and put them in their place. In the meantime, find some Navalnovo and start taking pictures of some destroyed kindergarten or something. Remember Kuwait and their amazing baby-incubator stories. You Ukrainians are well known for possessing the best artistic fantasy. Start using it. Maybe one of those Russian liberals forever residing in London or Israel, could testify to witnessing Vlad Putin, sneaking into some Navalnovo kindergarten and sucking blood from some innocent baby.
Z.: Thanks for praising our inexhaustible fantasy. No one comes even close to us in this department. Will start working on it with our ministries of Truth and Defense.
